I had a conversation with a friend recently that’s led me to some thoughts about happiness.

I struggle with depression, and it is a struggle. Various life choices and circumstances can make that depression better or worse, to say nothing of my anxiety; it’s a chemical ouroboros up in here, one feeding off the other and vice versa. Being happy isn’t a choice I can make. That was taken out of my hands whenever my genes decided “yup, this one’s gonna be a little effed up.” Of course, that’s gross simplification. Happiness isn’t just a choice, or just a feeling, it’s a state of mind, a journey. You don’t wake up one day and find yourself at Happy.

I could go into “what is Happy, anyway?” but I think I would rather dwell on the idea that while it’s perfectly okay to not be happy, it’s a crushing existence when you feel like it’s forever out of reach, always somewhere else.

“Find Happiness where you are!”

Hard to do when you can’t make it out of bed in the morning some days.

Maybe it’s easier to think about what Happy isn’t than what it is, because it sure as hell isn’t the feeling when you come home after six hours of argument and negotiation with a troubled seven-year-old to find a list of things you’re not doing around the house and have been thinking about doing for days, unable to dredge up the energy to spend on simple tasks. How can you? All your energy is going into surviving your work day, in keeping a classroom of kids entertained and pacified, in glancing out the window and wondering what would happen if you just opened it and ran out. Nothing is keeping you here, your mind whispers, nothing but social constraints. Social constraints mean nothing when there’s an idea of just…sleeping through it all.

Dishes pile up. Who cares? Mold grows. Oh well! Weeds profligate. (Whoops, too much energy used up in finding a big word, please insert another dime.)

“The bravest thing I ever did was to keep living when all I wanted to do was die.”

“It gets better.”

“This is not all life is.”

Isn’t it?

Happiness isn’t some sugary substitute you can pour into yourself like Captain Crunch (although I will always argue that happiness is absolutely a bowl of cereal). It isn’t denial. It isn’t even really ephemeral.

“Exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t [think about the sweet release of death]. They just don’t!”

Cheer up! Buck up! Keep your chin up! Up, up, UP!

Meanwhile, a foot off the ground in my bed, it’s taken me an hour to think about just sitting up.

“Trials and disappointments are part of life, not life itself.”

“This too shall pass.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be getting better?”

Happiness (n): certainly not the feeling of your body beginning to fail and thinking of your ten-year high school reunion next year and wanting to cry.

Things Happiness IS:

A feeling, certainly. Attainable, absolutely.

Something you have to cultivate, to work at, and not passively sigh and wish things were different: yeah.

Something you have to rip from the jaws of Misery, because you’re sick and tired of it stealing your things and hurting you all the time: hell yeah.

Happiness is…embracing yourself, the most difficult journey in life. Loving yourself as your closest friend. Not criticizing yourself. Letting yourself enjoy things without self-judgement. A peanut butter fudge milkshake and mozzarella sticks.

Holding your gut and realizing it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

Putting down the candy not out of shame and guilt, but because you don’t really want it right now, thank you.

Food: can create happiness, is not happiness itself.

A good story, told in any medium: ALWAYS happiness, even if the story isn’t happy.

Being presented with a skull to add to your frankly ridiculous collection.

Making a small change, shifting a pinky when you thought you were paralyzed, wearing earrings that don’t match and neither do your socks.

Standing on the beach and soaking up the vastness of the ocean, the ancient power of it, knowing you are so small, and feeling at peace with it all. All of nature. A cool breeze and temperate day in the middle of a heat wave. The reprieve from the storm.

Happy is a journey, happy is not a destination. Happy takes work, it doesn’t come to you. Happy is made, not earned.

300mg of This, 120mg of That, occasional dose of 20mg of The Other, nightly taking of Oh Yeah This Too, shaken not stirred. See if that helps. Record results. Adjust as needed.

“How’re things, kiddo?”

“Get enough sleep, get exercise, make spiritual enrichment part of your daily, weekly, and seasonal routine.”

“There’s heat lamps, if you’d like to look into them.”

Sometimes Happy is just when someone else does the dishes for once.